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Friday September 21   
08:18pm 19/04/2007
 
mood: hopeful
I'm sure Harry is far more confused then I am right now... His eyes, when they ran away from me, told it all. The only thing I can do is keep telling myself that he will come around and actually realize that he might have feelings for me as well...

But who am I kidding? I still live in a closet for Merlin's sake. I can't even get my own house mates to accept me. Yes, I admit outwardly it seems like everything is in place, but when I'm alone with them things are different... And now that I've done this thing I don't know what to do with them anymore... If they found out, then I'm dead.

You may be wondering what I'm talking about, and this should be the place where I reveal it all... But I just can't do that right now. Until Harry is... ready for it all to be in the open, I'm not saying one thing about it.

I almost have this urge right now to just demand that Potter read this journal, so that in some way he'll be able to see how hard it was for me to do what I did... and why it took so long. Me, well I'm still confused myself...

What I'm not confused about are my feelings. I like Harry Potter, I've accepted that. I'm gay, I've learned to accept that as well.

What I don't understand is... Harry.

Why is it that when things seem so obvious to those around us, they are never obvious to ourselves? That is what I believe Harry's problem is... Not that I want to play psychiatrist or anything, but... I just don't understand why he thinks the way he does.

After that whole Ginny incident practically everyone hated the bloke and now they're in love with him all over again. I remember once asking him about that, and his response was something like he figured no one was perfect and that they'd come around sooner or later. This makes me almost want to shout, so why am I not regarded in that same manner?

I thought it was obvious that I had changed from a spoiled git to something different... but it really wasn't.

Or is it just Harry that has refused to see me for what I am?

I think it might be him. This year I have made new friends... some I never would of expected. This year I have also lost many friends, many I never really regarded as friends in the first place...

But now I'm rambling, and that's not going to help anything... Not that talking could help anything anyway. I'm stuck here in the library, worried and tired. I just want to talk, be truer then I ever have before... and yet there is no way for me to find my outlet.

Harry Potter, why can't you trust me? Do you even realize how trapped I feel? On one hand I am being ordered to kill you, and on the other you won't even trust me enough to let me tell you that. (Catch-22 anyone?)

Harry Potter, do you truly know what I have given up just to even regard you as a friend? The old me is gone, I have put that mask to rest. Why do you insist on seeing the fake me?

Like I've said in the past, I am me. I am Draco Malfoy.

But I am also a Death Eater. I also must kill you Harry Potter based off the whims of a mad man. I must live with the knowledge my life will never be happy... I think I might as well just give up. Being a Death Eater would be a safe, it's an utterly emotionless existence. I would not be killed for disobeying orders, I would not feel like I failed my family... I would not feel anything.

I like you Harry, please try and understand what I do and don't do.

-DM		  
     

(i have 10 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Thursday- September 20   
05:54pm 17/02/2007
 
mood: scared
I have no clue how to put this... it just seems unthinkable I would be put in a situation like this... Simply put: I must kill Harry or die trying.

Now of course I know all sorts of questions must be scampering through your head, but hear me out. I'm just as confused as you.

Last night I was rudely awakened by a student... of sorts. He notified me I had to get dressed immediantly, or go as I was, to a Death Eater meeting. Naturally I was shocked, and not at all delighted, to learn this. I agreed to go, although I felt at the time that I was surely walking right into the face of death. I followed the bloke out of the castle, and then to the edge of the grounds. It was there (outside the castle gates) a carriage was waiting. It's always been the custom to keep the place of the meeting a secret, so I was not at all surprised when a pair of hands reached over my shoulders and tied a blindfold over my eyes. Then I was led into the carriage and ordered not to speak a word or else.

It does sound cliche, I admit, this "or else" phrase... but when you're sure you're being lead to your death I doubt you would choose not to obey it.

After what felt like hours spent in a horribly uncomfortable position, the carriage stopped. I heard others being led out, and then a pair of arms grabbed me and I meekly followed. I could hear soft voices, and suddenly the blindfold was pulled off my face.

Sitting around an innocent looking campfire were three figures in black cloaks. I took a seat on an empty log, and looking around me I glimpsed a few of my peers. Directly in front of me, and sitting rather nervously next to a cloaked figure, was Crabbe and Goyle. Near them was the Ravenclaw boy, the one mentioned earlier in my journal. Off to my left was the oh-so-lovely Pansy Parkinson... and the whole time it seemed like she stared at me,a malicious look in her eyes.

But whatever. She knows not to talk to me anymore.

I don't exactly know of everything that took place, as most of it sounded like rubbish to my ears... but I did hear of an interesting plot the Death Eaters are planning... Or maybe it has already been planned and set into action? Either way, it doesn't sound too good for the Ministry.

After a bit of this talk, we were welcomed and asked to state our names, if we are in allegiance with the Dark Lord, etc etc. Of course I agreed I was. I mean, I don't want to die, right?

And then after more of this welcoming thing, we were each taken off for a few moments by the Death Eaters so that they could have a little talk with us. I was last, and only one Death Eater went over to talk to me. Any guesses who the fellow was?

Innocently enough I followed the cloaked figure, away from the fire, till he turned to me. Without a word he pulled off his mask, and I tried to the best of my abilities not to hide my fear as I was confronted with...

Lucious Malfoy, my Father.

He talked to me about a lot of things... rumors of my unallegiance, rumors I'm now a muggle sympathizer, all sorts of rubbish... But really, it was all a big lead in to the the "big one." By that I mean something shocking, horrible, nerve-wracking, etc etc... Well, big surprise, but word of these rumors had reached the Dark Lord himself, and he was not at all happy. And then Father preceded to tell me my own Mum couldn't be trusted... Apparently she's gone crazy or something like that? He was very vague.

Anyway, that's not the bad part. What's bad is that Father feels our family name is in trouble of being disgraced.

"Oh boo-hoo" an outsider might say, "what's so bad about that?" Everything. One of the worst things you can do in a family such as mine, is bring disgrace to your family name. It's just... I don't know how to explain it... Me, I've been hearing of this since birth, so it's been brainwashed into me to not ever bring any sort of disgrace to my family. Ever.

Hm, where was I? Oh yes...

Father explained all this to me and then told me of the Dark Lord's "special plan" for me, the Malfoy heir. To bring honor back to my name he suggested something, something to which Father happily agreed.

I must lead Harry Potter into a trap, where he will be captured by the Death Eaters and... and killed. Then, and only then, would I be allowed to get my Dark Mark at the proper ceremony...

Father then looked at me with no emotion and said, "And if you fail to do that Draco... I will kill you. There is no reason for you to ever fail in a mission given to you by our Lord. Do you understand?"

I simply nodded. What else could I do? Scream in his face and throw a tantrum?

And now as I sit hear, that is exactly what I want to do... But I can't. I'm trapped.

-DM		  
     

(i have 2 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Wednesday- September 19   
09:35am 25/01/2007
 
mood: anxious
I'm still shaken up over the events that occurred earlier today. I don't like being shaken up, it just doesn't feel right. I am of noble birth, I should be able to stand up, pound my fists to my god-like chest, and laugh in the face of evil. What the laughing and pounding have to do with being a Malfoy, I haven't a clue... But they are the stereotypical things I'm supposed to do, right?

OK, I guess that means I'd also have to enjoy killing people, doing the Dark Lord's every whim, and having a cartload of mistresses.

None of those really appeal to me right now, especially the mistresses... I was found out during my tryst by... no, I won't say, it's too embarrassing... Well, they basically saw me kissing this bloke I don't really even like (he forced himself upon me!) and thought I was being untrue to... a certain someone I may or may not lust after.

But it's only lust, there's no reason I should be bound to them an remain faithful, yes?

But this person, whom shall remain nameless, is stupid and believes I actually like some idiot, whom they are friends with, and thinks I should be faithful. Haha I say, there's no hope of anything ever coming from this relationship...

Right now I do not want to think about the next few hours that are planned for me... I am to meet a certain someone, and their friend and... Ugh, bloody hell. This is just childish. I admit it, it was Granger that found me out, and her friend is... well, you get the picture.

I don't see why she treated it like I was cheating on Potter, as we're obviously not together, and I really don't like him that much, and I am a "slut" after all, right? None of it should matter to her. This is my life. If I want to have numerous trysts, then I will.

All right, I'm just ranting again. But I'm sure you get the picture. I snogged, she saw, I was yelled at and beaten forcefully at wand-point. (minus the beating part.)

But then she did something despicable. Oh yes, something very very rotten and nasty, and most un-Gryffindor-like... What did she do you may or may not ask? Well, she is forcing me to have a little meeting of sorts with her later tonight so that we can discuss "everything." What this everything is, I haven't a clue. And that's not the worst part, cause I mean, what could be worse then discussing "everything" with a Gryffindor?

She's bringing Potter with her.

Added to this little equation for disaster is the promise that if I don't show up, she'll tell Harry everything.

Looking at the clock, I realize I have one hour till I am doomed. Merlin save me...

What gets me though, besides the whole Potter-threat-thing, is that she of all people thinks that she can help me with my joining the Dark Lord problem. I would laugh, but then I remember that she had told me that she reads my LJ and...

And she is so pretty and cool and I worship her and I wish I could be like her and I hope she isn't here as I mime throwing up on the keyboard.

-DM		  
     

(i have 4 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Tuesday- Night   
07:04pm 22/10/2005
 
mood: amused
I was in a cheery mood today, and that is my only excuse for what happened.

Most of the responses to my last entry seemed to all agree on one thing: That I was acting quite the git when I insulted that Hufflepuff bloke. So, in my cheery mood that also seemed to lay upon me a guilty feeling, I approached the Huffelpuff and apologized to him. And so he asked if I would like to catch a bite to eat sometime and, because I was feeling pleased with myself, I agreed.

And now that I am in a sane mood I wonder what in the name of Merlin was I thinking.

Did I agree to go on a date, or merely an afternoon tryst? But now that I think about, tryst does have more then one meaning. Perhaps this is a meeting between lovers? Pfft, I think not. So surely this is simply a meeting that has been agreed upon by both sides? Yes, surely it is.

Alright, before I get into a heated discussion with... myself, on the meaning of 'tryst', new topic.

I received a letter from Mother late last night. Why she wrote me ,I haven't a clue, as the letter was rather dull.

----------------
Son,

How are you doing? It is rather boring here, and I feel that I will soon go mad from the lack of communication. Don't bother mentioning that the House Elves are good for a chat, I've already tried that once. The poor creature seemed ready to faint when I tried to strike up a conversation, so I dismissed it and took a nap in the morning room, again. I know I shouldn't have done that, as the couch will start to get thread bare if I keep this up, but I'm afraid I just don't have the heart to sleep in our my room.

I haven't received any notification on your Father's whereabouts, but I suppose I shall receive something in due time. Or perhaps he feels I have abandoned him, which I highly doubt is the case. But with your Father, one never knows. If you recieve anything from him, would you please send a copy of it tome? I fear he is one of his moods again.

Are you still receiving the Daily Profit? It grows more interesting with the passing of each day.

I've included a bag of fudge for you, as I know how you love it. All I ask is that you don't eat it all at once, for you could get a stomach ache. Surely you remember when you were younger, and you had found your way into the kitchens? I remember your Father was extremely displeased. But I shouldn't think of your Father right now, as it makes my heart flounder at the thought of him.

I do hope I receive your reply within the week; how I miss your repartee.

,Your mother.
----------------

Sometimes I wonder about her, and how she can stand doing what she does. Father is most likely gone, never to return, and still she sits patiently like a good wife, waiting for a reply. I don't think I could ever be that patient. And she tells me her 'heart flounders at the thought of him'? I've never heard that expression cross her lips before. Perhaps the boredom really is getting to her.

I met with Potter yesterday, but it didn't go as planned. But then again, things never do go as planned do they? Our meeting was shortlived, as a few of his 'good friends' ruined it for us. Ah well, at least he has his flower.

Ye Gods! By flower I meant the one I gave him when I saw him yesterday, not "that" flower.

But I shouldn't think of Potter right now, as it makes my heart flounder at the thought of him.

Apparently that weasel girl is back from her stay in the hospital wing. A rumor has been going around that I hexed her, oh how I wish it was true.

So now that girl is back, I haven't had a decent meeting with Potter, I have a tryst with a Hufflepuff to look foreword to, and my Mother is losing her sanity. It seems I look foreword to a delightful future, eh?

DM		  
     

(i have 9 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Monday-September 17   
01:49pm 03/10/2005
 
mood: ecstatic
Arrant thoughts flutter, my mind seems to stutter...

I think I have massive problems relating to other people. Or perhaps I am just very greedy and self-absorbed? But surely I am not a self-absorbed peacock like that man... what was his name... Lockehart I believe it was? His whole room was filled with pictures of himself- he must have had five hundred. I only have five. So I'm not self absorbed? Perhaps I'm just a spoiled git who is used to getting everything he wants?

No. The spoiled part is wrong. I'm not spoiled, just because my family is extremely wealthy (for some reason I haven't bothered to question), doesn't mean I'm spoiled.

Oh to hell with this. I still worry over what people think of me, foolish as that may sound. But as a wise man once said to me, if you´re holding out for universal popularity, you´re going to be here a long time.

I should stop it right now, I must sound like a... what are they called? Dammit, I need to get out more. (And in the daylight preferably.)

OK, new topic. I'm done with the angsty portion of my thoughts. Time to move on to the Potter lust-filled section.

I was just in Potter's journal, and left him a message asking when he gets out of his meeting with the Headmaster. I plan to meet him when he gets out and take I little walk with him. I plan to discuss a few... things with him... But, then again, those things may not even be discussed if my courage doesn't come back. Yes, you've read my last statement correctly. My courage is indeed on hiatus, perhaps permanently. And meanwhile I am making a fool of myself doing all sorts of embarrassing things. I could give you examples, but I'm not in the mood to laugh at myself.

Apparently I still have some of my Malfoy breeding still left in me, for this very morning I was approached by a blushing Hufflepuff whom I will not describe. (I don't want to embarrass the bloke) But anyway, he told me that he liked my eyes (eyes?! EYES?! What about arse?) and would I care to become better acquainted with him. Better acquainted with his bed sheets was more like it... I really don't like becoming involved with people that I have just met, though I once used to, so I politely smirked and told him to stick his delightfully attractive head up his arse. Oh, how I do pride myself on never losing my cool.

See there? I just lied. I do lose my cool, I just tend not to show it. Even when I'm planning the death of the wretched person I'm talking to, I never show it.

Perhaps I should work less on not losing my cool and more on not acting like a spiled git. I've been called a git many times, more the I care to remember, but I just never thought about it before. I never stopped to think about why these people are calling me this, why do they think this. Or maybe I just got my kicks out of tormenting people, which is extremley stupid and amounts to nothing in the long run. I don't want to sound like a hypocrite, but sometimes (especially when I've had a particularly bad day) I tend to be an absolute bastard to everyone and everything. Myabe I should to work on that...

Merlin... I am now overjoyed that Potter answered me. I am now acting like a loon. Where has my testosterone gone? What I should be doing is looking smug and winking at everything that walks by with an arse, but I'm not. I'm simply ecstatic that a boy, not even an extremely attractive boy, has answered my post. So I now answer with a sarcastic remark about flowers. What I should be doing, if my hormones didn't choose to visit Bangladesh with my also absent courage, is stating exactly why I want to meet him. But I didn't. I'm not a bloke anymore, I'm some sort of giggling creature with pale skin and 'supposedly' attractive eyes.

Apologies, but I must leave now before I embarrass myself further and start typing rhymes.

DM

p.s. Tomorrow I will return,
giggling no more,
My cheeks shan't burn,
With my lack of concern,
Towards my masculinity.

p.p.s. Oh Merlin what have I done...		  
     

(i have 11 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Sunday- Night   
02:51pm 16/09/2005
 
mood: hopeful
I know most of you have figured it out, but the person who pulled me aside yesterday was none other then Granger. (Yes, that girl I called mudblood quite a few times.) I was wary at first, but my curiosity as to why the hell she wanted to speak to me overruled my initial judgment. If you counted every word in our brief meetings they wouldn't even constitute as a whole paragraph. So you see, I hardly knew the girl.

So I met her at the proper time, at the southern spire overlooking the quidditch pitch at precisely 10:05. She was a tad pissed off that I was five minutes late, but I was pleasant enough to her so that she has probably forgiven me by now. If any of you little heathens think she invited me up there on some sort of date- you are terribly wrong. Not even I thought it was a romantic sort of meeting- which it wasn't.

Anyway, I finished walking up the stairs (more then twelve flights of them!) and came upon a bare landing. Before me was a door, which I naturally opened. Inside the room was a small table, and sitting at the table was none other then Granger. She was alone, which was a bit surprising to me at the time, as I thought she was afraid of me.

Right off she told me that she had read my journal up to it's current entry. Merlin you won't believe how my pulse started to suddenly race when she said that- I only hope I didn't blush. She did assure me, though, that no one else she knew had read it before. I hope she's right. Maybe I should use that friends-only feature... And what really got me was she wasn't surprised that I was gay. Am I really that obvious? I mean with the whole twelve girlfriends a month thing I thought I hid it quite well.

Granger told me that she believes I would be seen by Potter as a nicer and definitely more trustworthy person if I went through with the initiation (aka getting the darkmark). How is this so, you ask. Well, she hinted I could be a spy for Dumbledore and his order. I believe she said Order of the Phoenix, but that is a rather stupid name so I doubt that's it's true name. It's probably just some sort of an alias.

I never agreed though, I basically just listened and nodded. I told her I would have to think about it. But she came well prepared, I must admit. As soon as I said the "I'll think about it" part she came right back with a "And I could put in a kind word or two to Harry about you." I give her credit, she does know how to deal with a Malfoy.

I agreed to meet her next Thursday- same place same time as we didn't get to talk very long as she had to tutor someone in some sort of subject...

Ugh, but now I'm full of dread. Sure talking about the initiation makes it seem less worse then it really is. Now that I think about it, though, I really don't know what possessed me to even think about going through with it. I do not want to do it, I would loathe myself if I did it, and yet... I need to think about this. I don't want to think of it anymore... Later I will, but not now...

I finally met that Ben person Potter has mentioned. We didn't get along so well; I think the child may even hate me.

I saw him reading a poster in the hallway, and I said a friendly "Hullo" to him. He turned around, looked shocked, glared, and then walked away. How rude. At least I have the decency to actually even speak to people I hate. Well, OK, so what if I usually yell at people I loathe, at least I say something instead of glaring like some sort of angry mute...

I've been doing a lot of thinking on how to approach my Potter problem. I don't think he thinks of me as a friend just yet- more of an acquaintance you talk to a lot on the computer... But I don't even talk to him all that much on the computer either... And I don't know how to get him alone, to talk with him, as he is always in his common room or talking to a group of people.

DM		  
     

(i have 20 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Saturday- Early Morning   
06:58pm 15/09/2005
 
mood: amused
I'm very annoyed right now. I just finished having a bit of a... Disagreement with one of those scum-of-the-net girls that decided to invade Potters journal. I don't see how he puts up with it- al that spamming and people throwing themselves at his feet... But I'm not jealous, not in the least. I have plenty of willing people throwing themselves at me as well. Potter has more of course, as he is the one that danced and all...

Now that I think about it, I never really gave my thoughts on the matter. I mean I was obviously royally pissed off that he did that, toyed with me, but I never said what I felt. I suppose you all would like to know the bitter truth, eh? Actually, more sweet then bitter. Now I'm hungry. Damn you people- making me relate lapdances to sweetness...

But I also have another little secret. This morning I was politely pulled aside by a certain 'someone' who shall remain nameless for now. They asked to speak with me later tomorrow night. And no it wasn't Harry, if it was I would be a lot more esctatic. Do I seem esctatic right now? No, I'm not. I'm only mildly interested as to why this particular person wants to speak with me... Guess who it is yet? Ha, as if I'd tell you.

Right now I know most of you just want to murder me in cold blood. Don't worry though, death threats won't make me tell you who this mystery visitor was. All I know about there request is that it is to be held in the Southern Spire overlooking the Quidditch Pitch. I won't tell you what time, though, as I know some of you will probably try and snoop around... Who knows who reads this journal anyway...

Speaking of journals, isn't it a wonder Potter hasn't checked mine out yet? I'm scared he will and yet... I think I want him to. I like the dangerous side of things I suppose... Not many do, or at least not many people I know do.

Alright, it's time to get on with it. About that infamous lapdance... Yes I did enjoy it. Yes I was pissed off at Potter. Yes I did pick that song, but only because I wanted to embarrass him. No I did not know he could actually dance.

I must talk with that damned boy again. He is like a damn cold or something... I don't want to think about him and yet he is always there in the back of my mind and... It's the hormones I keep telling myself. Tis only the hormones Draco, it's just a lust driven urge you feel. But I can't stop thinking -still- that this seems different. I do admit, I have been with other... God I can't say it... What if someone reads this journal whom I think of as an enemy? Or what if someone from my house read this? Merlin... Everyday I think of him and yet it seems so different from the other... People I had... I'm such a fricken scared closet case... Open the damn doorknob you wanker and face reality! Ha, like it's that easy. Everything feels and looks different in writing.

Right. Well, I got a trifle sidetracked there. I have to talk with Potter. This can't go on any longer. He is killing what will I have left to act normal... Or as normal as normal truly is... I think I'm going to break into Gryffindor tower and ravish him by moonlight. Ah, my sick fantasies... I suppose I could just say it, er write it if you want to be technical, right now. I like men.

Merlin be damned I said it. I feel so damn relieved right now... I have to go to sleep, it's so early in the morning I don't know how I'll function tomorrow...

I did leave sufficent evidence, though, as to who my mystery visitor is, find out yourselves.

DM

A/N: This entry is set a day before Harry's last entry. The correct entry for Draco's journal will be sent in tonight so he will then be up-to-date. You are welcome to reply of course :D		  
     

(i have 35 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Sunday- night   
01:52pm 11/12/2004
 
mood: dorky
Alright- so I finally did it. I talked with Potter, but not about what I said I would... It first began to unravel (my courage that is) when he walked up to me- all sweaty from playing quidditch with a few people- so you can imagine my usually solemn composure was being shoved out of the window right then. All I can truly hope for is that I wasn’t blushing, but at least I never stuttered. I do admit- though I’m not above blushing- I am above stuttering.

Back to my horrid conversation (if you could even call it that). It did start out better then I had originally thought it would, as the conversation ironically started out with the weather conditions. (What is it about the weather that makes it such a good conversation starter? Is it because it’s always there no matter what- and everyone knows about it?) But then the conversation somehow got into the topic of his and Ginny’s awkward problem(s). I really do hate talking to other people about my let alone their relationships, and so I blurted out something stupid to change the conversation to a different tone. Anyone want to have a go at what I asked? I asked Potter if he fancies poetry. Ugh –smacks forehead- why did I have to ask that of all things?

He didn’t really answer, though. (He does know what poetry is, doesn’t he?) Ah well, I’m only happy he left or rather I left soon after that… Said he had to talk to muggle friend of his… erm… Hermione I think is her name.

Now that I think about it, we did talk about that wretched Halloween Ball- and when he found out I wasn’t planning on going he asked me if I would. Made me feel all giddy fr a split second till I realized he didn’t mean anything by it. But a bloke’s allowed to daydream, isn’t he? It’s not like I daydream though- I’m above that of course- it’s just that… well…

When he told me I should go I replied with a hesitant ‘maybe’ and he grinned (dimples!), but that still doesn’t mean anything.

I hope he doesn’t think me weird as he was looking at me quite oddly and…

No! I will not do this, this thing that those hormonal girls do! I simply will not fill up my journal with hopes and dreams of him and… Ugh, but it’s already been done… I’ve already devoted five paragraphs to him… Alright, changing gears now…

I think it’s still safe to say that I still enjoy all the attention I’ve been getting lately, without sounding too obnoxious of course. Hey at least I don’t have girls spamming my LJ…

Oh but did I say spamming? That’s not what I meant at all, I’m sure you all know I was joking…

Or maybe I wasn’t XD

But you shall never know. as I like all the comments and it makes me feel special

Now I only have to talk with Potter about what I really wanted to talk about... After that: Dumbledore...

-DM		  
     

(i have 37 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Saturday-September 13   
10:30am 16/10/2004
 
mood: embarrassed
After a good night’s sleep, I have come to the conclusion that I shall approach Harry for some advice. I really don’t know what I am going to say to him about my...um… problems I have been having with basically everything

Ah yes, does it surprise you that I am suddenly lusted after? I really shouldn’t be surprised myself, as this is how Hogwarts has been for the past year or so since the seventh years discovered their hormones… Ah, and what a wonderful discovery it was

But what may surprise you is the fact that Miss Ginny Weasley has tried to start a conversation with me on almost every occasion I am in the library. It seems quite odd that she pledged loathing of me in her first year and now she is all buddy-buddy. I don’t think I should trust her…

Ah yes- there is also the matter of the “Halloween ball” that is coming up… It’s not even October yet and everyone (myself not included) seems absolutely nutters about it. I assure you that I want to go just as much as I want my Father to become Headmaster.

Bah- all this negative talk I seem to be doing lately has been dragging my spirits down… I just hope (from your point of view) I don’t seem like a whiny prat… Though my happiness has suffered I admit my grades have not. It is a good thing I suppose…

Hmmm… Now on to other matters…

But what I need is an idea… An idea on how to befriend Potter Harry… If he were able to trust me that would be a plus…

Ah yes, I know. I shall write Potter a poem.

Oh Merlin I sound like a lovesick puppy now… A poem won’t do- he probably doesn’t like poems… What does he like… Think you idiot think…

Quidditch! It is only so obvious- Quidditch Lover being his username and all! How thick can I get?!

But what to give him?

A poem about broomsticks?

Ugh, but why even give him anything… What is the point…?

Oh… I suppose that was just a mini rant I did. Heh, I was mostly talking to myself there. Joy- I don’t just talk to myself in my head anymore I do it on-line, too. Alright, before I make myself seem an less sane, I’ll change the topic…

The initiation. It is only a few weeks away. I still haven’t made my mind up 100% on what I will do. I know running away isn’t really an option anymore as I will surely be caught. There is also the option of becoming a spy of sorts, but I don’t know if I would enjoy watching my back for the rest of my life… I do suppose, though, that after *maybe* speaking with Harry about the initiation I could take into consideration about speaking to Dumbledore.

I apologize, but I am just not in the best of spirits right now… I will leave another entry later, I suppose…

Sorry, but I’m just so damn confused…

Thank-you all for sticking with me, though I am a prat at times, thank-you.

-DM		  
     

(i have 22 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Friday- September 12   
08:24pm 10/10/2004
 
mood: restless
I have been thinking lately about a lot of things that are happening. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to say… Really I don’t.

There shall be no drinking for me anymore- so don’t worry about that. I don’t exactly know why I said that in my last post…

Actually I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems to be turning out wrong.

I am supposed to join the Dark Lord’s forces, I am supposed to drop out of school so there isn’t any suspicion as to why I am leaving, I am supposed to keep the Malfoy blood flowing for another hundred generations, I am supposed to let other people run my life… But what about what I want to do? What about me? Phfft… No one cares about the evil self-loving conceited son-of-a-bitch now do they?

Now I’m just whining, and Merlin knows that has never accomplished anything besides sounding like a brat. “Stop sniveling and act like a Malfoy!” Father used to say… Good advice Father- too bad you didn’t follow it.

Yes, that is right. My own Father didn’t follow his damned advice. You should have seen him the night he was taken into prison…

I walked into his study to find him crying at his desk. He grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me up to him, “Don’t let them take me, son! Whatever you do, don’t let them take your Father away! Kill them! Just tell them anything just… Tell them to take you instead!” By then I had already ran out of his study and up into my room.

And Mother! Ha, you should have seen her! You would have thought she cared about the Father of her only son, but she didn’t give a damn! She let The Ministry Aurors in –no questions asked- and told where Father was. She even offered to take them there- which they ignored.

But why am I telling you this? Why would you care about me, the bastard who is selling his soul to the devil in return for hundreds of innocent lives? Why should you bother to care about him? He’s just a cold hearted idiot who doesn’t give a damn about anyone else- isn’t he?

Self-loathing is not a good feeling… I should just give up, shouldn’t I? If I don’t, then that is sure death. A hero’s death- yes… But am I really of the hero-make?

Perhaps I should just run away- move to Australia or somewhere far away from my world… But I surely wouldn’t know how to survive. I’ve never actually seen a real telephone except in books and on the telly. I have not a speck of knowledge as to what in the name of Merlin a vacuum is… Could I really survive?

Everyone seems to want to talk to me all of a sudden. Just this morning I received an owl from the Headmaster to meet him in his office in five minutes- which I did. I was seated in front of him (his desk is rather imposing) and there was silence. He didn’t say a word, I had to break the silence, which I promptly replied with a, “Is there anything wrong Mr. Malfoy?”

Damn him… What does he think? That the world is all fine and dandy where every witch and wizard will live happily ever after amidst rainbows and cute button-nosed leprechauns? Ye Gods…

I shouldn’t even start on my other problem- the one some people feel that I need to address. Yes, you know what I’m talking about… Potter. The bastard… What do you expect me to say? “Oh wittle innocent Potter- with your green eyes and godforsaken hair!”

Apologies, for all I am accomplishing right now is lashing out at you. I am acting very immaturely…

Let me continue in a more… delicate manner…

Yes I do admit that I think Potter looks good in leather pants. Particularly my leather pants (no pun intended). Yes I find his eyes beautiful and his laughter enchanting BUT does that really mean anything in the grand scheme of things?

I have a little tiny probably lust driven crush. That is all. And don’t try and raise my spirits with a “But Potter LOVES you! Don’t you see?!” Ha, I’m sure he doesn’t even regard me as a friend let alone ‘love’ me. Love is too big a word for this is but a small little crush.

Now onto more pressing matters. The meeting- the initiation per-say- that I am obligated to attend is being held on October the second, which is a Saturday. I have yet to make up my mind as to what exactly I will do. I do feel the need to talk with someone- but I just have never felt all that comfortable around the Headmaster- which is why I will not talk with him. Professor Snape seems my only other choice, and I don’t even feel all that comfortable around him either.

I know a few have suggested I talk with Potter, but really? What could he do besides give me a pat on the back and a sorry?

I could always just take the cowardly way out and kill myself. But I won’t. I could never really bring myself to do that- even if I am sure to die. I would rather die by someone else’s hand then my own to be blunt.

Ah yes, I never really explained about that Ravenclaw, now did I? Apparently (when I was drunk) I had been talking quite loudly about the Dark Lord (and in an atrocious way, mind you). Well this Ravenclaw boy (I don’t even know his real name) is in cahoots with the Dark Lord and was enraged at what I was doing. That is all that happened… I suppose I will see him at the initiation, eh? Well, if I choose to go…

I think I have addressed everything that needs to be addressed. Well… Besides the fact that Potter hasn’t helped my bed sheets stay any cleaner- all is well. Or as well as it can be in this situation.

-DM

( authors note )		  
     

(i have 21 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Thursday September 11- night   
11:09am 10/10/2004
 
mood: confused
Damn him… Damn him to hell! I didn’t even think he really knew about… But it is a bit obvious now and… DAMN HIM DAMN HIM DAMN DAMDNAMDNDMDNSMDND….

I am so fucking mad and why? Why did he have to do that of all things I mean… I am so damn confused and it’s all because of him and his STUPID LITTLE GAMES! WHAT WAS HE THINKING? Does he think he can play with my head and make me… want…

No. I am not going to resort to that. Never. I am a Malfoy- and Malfoys do not resort to that…

Yes well…

This is what you all wanted isn’t it? You just all knew I would become so… so… horribly mad and angry and excited… What is the use? I can’t fight you people… Making me do this, aren’t you?

Should I just drink again? Yes, that would help wouldn’t it?

Yes… it would…

But now I’m forgetting what happened, now aren’t I? Yes, well I did become quite curious as to what exactly I did when I was drunk to make that boy (what was his house?) so mad at me… You should have seen him- all red in the face- ha how I laugh…
It seems the Dark Lord isn’t too picky about his supporters nowadays.

But none of you fools care about that- now do you? No… You never do… It’s always: “Oh lovely sexy Draco- what did you do with Potter today?” or even “Oh lovely Draco (whom I adore) I know a few things you could do for Potter!” I was too… naïve to even think you were really talking about… Why would you think that?

I would never ever help Potter with his homework you buffoons! Though he is quite dumb- I would never help him with his homework. And of course that is what you all meant… I mean what else could you lot be thinking of?

Ugh… I will post later when I am more… up to it.

-DM

( authors note )		  
     

(i have 12 new souls to enslave love me)
 
I am dying- Thursday morning   
07:54am 27/09/2004
 
mood: nauseated
I am dying. And if I do not die, I will be murdered and most likely tortured to death by wiffle balls buttered with lemon sherbet ice cream.

Well, to explain further so that you would be able to understand, I would have to tell you what I did last night. To put it simple I made a complete and total arse of myself. I have been called a berk more times then I care to remember, this morning.

My head feel like it is about to spill my brains on the floor any second, and yet I receive no sympathy from my fellow classmates or teachers. I am still expected to go to all of my classes.

I am not ashamed to say it, but the only other experience I have had with alcohol was at my Cousin’s wedding. I had a sip of wine. Last night I somehow managed to consume five cans of Bertie Botts Ever-changing Beer and still managed to remain conscious. This is not necessarily a good thing.

I have a hand print on my stomach, and I don’t know how it got there. All I know is it isn’t my handprint. My usually soul-searing eyes are now bloodshot and I look like a nutter.

I fear I may have taken a stroll or two around the castle last night, for I was approached earlier by a male Ravenclaw who promptly told me to “never try that again,” whatever ‘that’ was I fear to ask…

The last thing I remember was lying on a couch (I don’t know where) and staring at the pillow. The pillow was black velvet. I had been staring at it because it was shiny and was catching the light.

This morning I woke up outside and under my tree. I was shivering and covered with dew, and there were a pair of shoeprints leading away from me. I know this because the grass was tall enough to still be able to see the indentations of steps taken. They weren’t my footprints.

I know something happened last night, and there will probably be embarrassing pictures of my… non-thinking self… But I personally don’t care.

Yes, that’s right. I, Draco –insert outrageous middle name- Malfoy, from henceforth, do not care what anyone thinks of me. My true side will show through! Or at least make brief appearances… when I feel like it of course.

I need to (yes once again) tell Mother about this. This time, though, I will try and take charge of the conversation so she will let me talk about the topics I wish to discuss with her. I am so confused I just feel like I need want someone to talk with… Has anyone ever felt like that before? Like something is so wrong and yet it is just so right? But I have no one to talk with about this. No one. I am, of course, not saying I wouldn’t talk to any of my commentors about myself; it’s just that I need a face-to-face sort of talk…

Now, off of that subject (whatever it may be) and onto new happenings. My owl is being watched. Every letter I receive has it’s seal broken. I wonder why anyone would even feel the need to spy on me… It’s not like I am receiving ‘top secret’ orders from the Dark Lord… Oh… I have forgotten about that…

Some may call me a coward, but I am only looking out for my well-being. I have been summoned to attend a meeting held by some of the most prestigious people in my Father’s crowd during October break. You may have guessed what I am talking about… If I refuse, I die. This is the reason I must go through with it, even if it binds me to the big wanker, I must go through with it. There is no other way out.

-DM		  
     

(i have 57 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Late late late Wednesday   
11:58pm 10/09/2004
 
mood: drunk
I know what it is. I’m not crazy after all, I’m just myself. More of myself then I thought I had known previously. I’m sure you have all read Potter’s journal and have all heard what happened. I just had to make an arse of myself to realize it.

There is only one thing I must do, and that is not tell Mother. I used to think she would understand me, but this? No, she would never understand this.

My urges. Urges for a friendship?

Maybe something still is wrong with me, but no one is perfect. I shouldn’t worry. I won’t worry. I mean, why should I worry? I’ve never wanted this before. Is it that hard for me to understand?

I’m hopeless. That’s what it is. It took me this long to realize it. Sad isn’t it?

No. I mustn’t worry. Nothing is wrong with me. Nothing at all. I just have a new to-do list is all, that’s it. Wait. That didn’t sound right at all. Why am I so worried?

I shouldn’t worry. I don’t need to worry. I never worry. Malfoy’s never have worries. I don’t need this!

I need a drink.

I need to talk, but I’d scare him. Oh I know I would… Ugh, calm down Draco… I need, what do the muggles call them? I need a psychiatrist. Yes. That would solve this needy phase I seem to be going through.

Ahhh, firewhiskey does sooth the soul. Just like it says on the side of the bottle. Big gold letters: SOOTHES THE SOUL! Why haven’t I noticed this before?

There are lots of things I haven’t noticed before. My room never gets any light. Why? It’s a closet. I know absolutely nothing about potions anymore, and yet I pass. Why? Professor Snape is a suck-up to my family. Father must pay him. There is incest in my family line. I never knew this! Why? I never cared. Everyone except me has known this! I can’t believe it. I’m diseased.

I must slow down… I must loom quite red in the face as some of my housemates are staring at me. But they look expectant? Perhaps they think I am dying. They all want me to die. Everyone wants me to die? No. I don’t want me to die…?

I would want a plain stone. Just stone. No words. I wouldn’t want any mourners to remember me. They would storm my grave, take out my corpse, burn it even. A plain grave would do.

Haha they would burn my corpse! Who does that nowadays? Corpse burners, that’s who! I’ve never known one. They have a society? The secret society of the official corpse burners!

It would smell. They must smell. Their poor wives! Husbands also! Their houses must smell. House elves burn corpses. They smell. That man… Hairy man… Hagrid burns them! He smells. They all smell.

Stone would do nicely.

Would I have stalkers?

I do now. I see him, that boy. What’s his name? I can’t remember… He is looking at me. Expectantly.

What am I just going to KEEL OVER! Like a fish!

Ha! Fish! I’m allergic to fish! I would die! Aha, so he does want me dead, that staring boy. Looking. He looked away. I smiled at him and he walked away. Bye boy.

And, what was I talking about? I can’t remember? Urges? I was talking about urges…?

Would Potter make a good friend? My friend? I want a friend.

Would I could I Potter my 378dgergb v

( author's explanation )		  
     

(i have 21 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Tuesday- evening   
10:52pm 10/09/2004
 
mood: enthralled
Early this morning in lunch I got an owl from my Mother. Apparently word has reached her that I have been disloyal to the family honor or some other load of crap. I guess I will owl her tonight, maybe I’ll tell her about my scar… Then she will most likely be appalled and order me to have it removed. I will then be forced, by my own free will of course, to ignore her instructions and keep it. I actually rather like it. This is the first time I have dedicated a paragraph to talking about a scar. Grand…

I have a strange feeling that some of the Slytherins are planning to try and ruin my pride somehow… I’ve often walked into the common room (don’t even ask how I can still bear it) and have seen the gorillas sitting on the floor and writing in some notebook. To an outsider it simply seems as if they are finishing up an assignment, but I know better then that. The gorillas have never done any homework by themselves without someone’s help or servitude. So unless they have miraculously discovered the other side of their brains, it is highly likely they are planning something against me.

I am still taking up residence in my broom closet, as it seems Professor Snape has not bothered to inquire if I could have my room changed. The house elves have apparently found out about my new room, for my lunch and dinner are now delivered to my broom closet. I never see who really delivers them, though, as they are always there on a silver platter when I get back from my lessons.

I have mentioned in the past that I enjoy writing poetry, and some of my readers have inquired as to why I haven’t posted any of it. I suppose I shall, just to let you get a taste of it.
( read one )
In Potions today I passed Potter a note asking for my coat back –politely- and we agreed to meet up after class. He seemed very angry when I stepped out of the door, and seemed intent upon the idea that I had followed him outside. I blatantly explained why I was out there, and well… The ending of our little meeting still has me confused…

( read the conversation )



My turn in the bet also started today. I didn’t do much, as I am leaving the best parts for last. Here is all that I have done today:

1.) Potter now addresses me as Master Malfoy, The One, or God.
2.) Each morning (for the next three days) Potter will bring my meal to me, a copy of The Profit, and shine my shoes.
3.) Potter will wear the ugly scratchy coat whenever he is outside, no matter how warm it is.

-DM		  
     

(i have 66 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Monday-morning   
04:04am 08/09/2004
 
mood: irritated
There is a fly flying into the compter’s screen right now. It must be suicidal or attracted to the light. Each bump echoes a faint ‘tink’ sort of sound.

Well, whatever… The kamikaze bug is dead now. I killed it.

I’m not in a very good mood right now… This has nothing to do with getting kicked off the quidditch team, though. I must admit I am a little relieved that have been kicked off. I wouldn’t have to lose anymore games and I wouldn’t have to fear for my well-being in the locker rooms. My mood has to do more with the fact that I cannot even wander outside without being bombarded with questions.

Last night I went outside to my favorite tree… Yes I, the evil and emotionless Draco Malfoy, like to sit under a favorite tree at night and write poems. I like hearing all of the chirruping crickets; it is very peaceful for the mind. Try it sometime; it would do you a world of good I’m sure.

So there I was, sitting under my tree and listening to the peaceful night sounds when suddenly the crickets stopped chirruping. Someone was approaching me. Now you probably understand that basically all of the student body hates me, so it was in my best interest to defend myself- so I pulled out my wand and tried to think of a good curse. I glued myself to the side of the tree, hoping the person wouldn’t see me and waited. I was hoping they would wander off somewhere else, but no. They sat at the opposite end of my tree, not five feet away from me. I almost wanted to scream right then, how dare this person sit at my tree and cause the peaceful crickets to stop singing! But, I didn’t do anything. I just sat, and waited.

I didn’t have to wait long. They started talking to themselves, but they were mumbling and I could only understand a few words. It was a boy. They seemed almost on the edge of tears… Almost.

I don’t like being around people when they are all emotional and stuff- like this boy was doing, so I was becoming uncomfortable. I decided to quietly walk away.

I forgot that I had wrapped my coat around my legs for warmth, and tripped over my own feet. Needless to say my head hit something hard and bruising and I yelped. Yes, I yelped... The boy heard me, and called out, “Who’s there?!”

I was in for it now. I jumped up and started to run, coat in hand. There was the sound of feet charging after me, and I thought I was faster then them, but I was wrong. I almost fell again when this person grabbed my coat, but I let it go and ran towards the castle. Luckily I got in with enough time to spare so I could hide under some of the curtains hanging from one of the windows. The mysterious person never came back in. I waited half and hour and there was still o sign of them, so I went to bed.

Thanks to this mystery person I now have a gash on my cheek, which will surely scar, and a missing coat. That coat cost nearly fifty galleons! And I have a gash on my face! I will have a scar!

On another note, I am pretty sure why everyone hates me.

Most every Slytherin now knows of my un-allegiance to The Dark Lord, and they all look down on me. They have probably all told their parents and my parents will find out. How soon, I won’t guess. They all think I am being a royal git, which in a way is true- revenge is a dish best served cold. I like cold food.

Also: Tuesday is the start of my turn in the bet with Potter. Joy.

-DM

P.S. I feel that I may make my journal entries longer from now on, as I rather like writing. And as for those of you who are annoyed with me- I will try and stop spamming my own journal... It's just that I feel I must reply to everyone... Or maybe I shall try and write more then just one journal entry a day...		  
     

(i have 48 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Sunday- late at night   
01:44pm 07/09/2004
 
mood: mellow
Today at lunch I was informed by owl that I had been replaced on the Slytherin quidditch team by Roy Grander. He's such a big oaf I don't know why in the world they would choose him over me... But then again when you remember the part where everyone hates me, then you know why they replaced me.

I talked with Mother around 2pm and she laughed at me. I still can't believe that she laughed at me! It was humiliating! Here is what happened, and mind you this may not be exactly what was said, but oh well:

Me: Hello Mother.
Mother: Good afternoon Draco... What do you want to discuss with me? You seemed awfully worried.
Me: Well... I think something is wrong with me... I’ve been acting quite weird lately.
Mother: Please explain Draco darling...
Me: I am nice to people.
Mother: Well I hope so... Is that all?
Me: No! You don't understand, I've been all nice and... Happy... I don't know why but I feel helpful all of a sudden!
Mother: *laughs* Drco dear, there's nothing wrong with you.
Me: I am not a 'happy' person Mother. I do not 'help' people.
Mother: And why not? Don't you want to make friends?
Me: Everyone hates me. Why would I want to be friends with someone that hates me?
Mother: Why would everyone hate you...? I doubt that you are hated by everyone, I don't hate you!
Me: I mean in school... And I don't know why everyone hates me...
Mother: Why would everyone hate you?
Me: I don't know!
Mother: Stop screaming Draco, it doesn't become you.
Me: I am not screaming!
Mother: *laughs* Draco your face is all red, please lower you voice... I am sorry, but I just don't see why you think you are in ,as you wrote in your letter to me, mortal danger. You seem fine, darling.
Me: Mother! Don't leave!
Mother: Draco let go of me robes! There is nothing wrong with you!
Me: But Mother! Everyone hates me! There must be something wrong with me!
Mother: I am leaving.
Me: Fine... Leave me hear in my pitiful state to die.
Mother: Alright. Goodbye darling... Just a hint of advice, you may want to visit Madam Pomfrey today to get some sedatives for when you go to bed. We don't want you having any panic attacks.
Me: *groans* I don't need to be drugged... And I don't have panic attacks!
Mother: Goodbye. *apparates*

So, as you can see, Mother wasn't any help at all... The only advice she gave me was for me to drug myself to sleep. What kind of advice is that...?

The bet is on, and Potter is a git.

Yes, I suppose I will explain... I was walking through the hall and Potter stopped me and looked a tad worried. I wonder why? So he hands me this piece of parchment and asks me to do his potions essay... I forget the name of it, but anyway... He just stood there, and I watched him waiting for him to ask me to do more, but he didn't say anything! So I just shrugged and said,"whatever", and walked away. Quite odd.

I have to get to work on the damned essay soon... I suppose I'll go outside to work on it, as I don't want anyone to disturb me... I wonder if Snape will notice the difference... Hmmm...

Well I'm off to my favorite tree by the lake. Adieu

-DM		  
     

(i have 57 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Saturday-night   
10:43pm 06/09/2004
 
mood: weird
It seems that I am not the only one being shunned. Apparently Potter is believed to have raped Ginny Weasley. That is simply disgusting; there is no other word for it. He denies doing this. He did admit to sleeping with her, though he had told me he was a virgin in or aim conversation. He says nothing really happened when he slept with Ginny Weasley (of all people).

A likley story.

Our little bet was supposed to go into place today, though I haven’t seen Potter all day. This may be because I skipped all my classes. Father would be thrilled... My grades are only beginning to slip; I don't think I will let them go too far.

I made one last stop in the Slytherin common room earlier today around lunch. When I arrived I saw Crabbe staring at Goyle for no apparent reason. Both of their eyes looked bloodshot and they looked half asleep. I later discovered that they had been having a sort of staring/no sleeping contest... It has lasted 47 hours, so far, but they were allowed to blink... The things you miss when you spend all your day in a closet astounds me...

Tomorrow Mother is coming to visit me, which is when I suppose she will find out about my less then desired popularity. I could ask her to take me out of Hogwarts, but that would just be running away from my fears. I may not be all that brave, but I know when and when not to stand up for myself.

Earlier today I tried to speak with a house elf, but the little beast squealed with fright (?) ran away from me. I was curious, a little too curious, -as to why it was running away- so I followed. I lost it somewhere around the second floor, and became lost. I wandered a few hallways I had never seen before and then saw a familiar door. It was to the library, which is where I am writing this on the compter.

I swear something must be wrong with me. I just haven’t been feeling up to my usual attitude... A first year trips in front of me, and spills her ink all over the floor. I don't laugh- rather I feel like I pity her. Crabbe and Goyle make a rude gesture in my direction and I ignore them and walk away. I have never felt so un... Un-Malfoyish ever. I must talk with Mother or someone...

Maybe I am deathly ill, or dying... Yes, that could be the case- many people hate me and my family, why wouldn't they poison me?

But now I'm getting a bit hysterical... I will definitely talk with Mother about this.

-DM		  
     

(i have 12 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Friday- Evening   
08:56pm 05/09/2004
 
mood: confused
I swear I have done an impeccably stupid thing... I don't know what demon has possessed me but... Ugh...! I made an extremely dumb bet with none other then Harry Potter. What, you may ask, kind of bet it is? Ugh... Read if you must here:
( Read more... )

If you read the rules, then you will know why I am positive I will loose. Everyone hates me. This is one thing I can faithfully say I am sure of. As for my emotions, I am terribly confused…

Earlier today I found something out about a certain someone I have been acquainted with and how they were meeting Potter (anonymously) tomorrow night. I don't know what happened to my common sense, but I put a stop to the meeting at once. Potter didn't know what he was getting himself into and I... well, I fear I was worried for him. In some way shape or form I was worried for Harry Potter.

And so I proposed that if he doesn't go meet the 'anonymous' person, then we have this bet. Much to my relief (and brief confusion) Potter agreed.

Since when am I the savior of a fellow student? I must say this is the first time I have ever done something like this... But Harry will continue living, thinking of me as the git I most likely am, and will hopefully forget all about this wager of ours, though I fear it will be harder for me to let go.

I will chide myself no longer... Adieu.

-DM		  
     

(i have 13 new souls to enslave love me)
 
Friday   
01:49am 05/09/2004
 
mood: numb
I feel absolutely wretched today, and for more then one reason.

Five deatheaters escaped from Azkaban, including my Father. It seems this was what Mother had been warning me against, though how she new I know not.

It may seem cruel of me to say I am unhappy about the escape of my Father, but I will explain a bit.

First of all, Father only acknowledges me as the last of the Malfoy blood and the heir of Malfoy Manor. He does not care about me, except for the mere fact that I exist to continue the Malfoy line for which is his only reason to acknowledge my existence. His only fear is that I will die before I produce a son, probably from some bloody slut he picks out for me...

The other reason I am unhappy? I am still confused about it, and know not what to say or how to explain. I will leave it at that till I understand better.

It seems the rumors have reached their peak. Apparently I have slept with thousands of people, men and woman included, and my latest conquest was Mother. What brainless git would imagine me sleeping or even thinking of Mother like that in any way? I fail to understand the student body.

I am in a reckless mood tonight; maybe I will spam a certain someone's journal...

But what's the use? Nothing will ever come of it. Granted I will most likely be forced to continue casting myself as the arrogant git- though I do wish I didn't have to act so unfeeling…. sometimes.

As of late I cannot walk through the halls without menacing stares, certain middle fingers pointed rudely in my direction, and snickers from my classmates. All I wish to know is what I did wrong, or what went wrong.

But then again I shouldn't care, really I shouldn't. Caring gets you nothing in life. Whether I like it or not, the world will still turn no matter what I do.

I have been feeling quite depressed lately, maybe all I need is someone to talk to. I have even been tempted to go find a house elf to ramble to, but I doubt it could help. I guess I shall continue living with my mask of indifference firmly in place...

-DM		  
     

(i have 1 new soul to enslave love me)
 
Thursday   
01:05am 04/09/2004
 
mood: depressed
It's early in the morning, I know, but I have started having trouble sleeping. Something, I don't know what, seems to be nagging at me. I think some change has surly gone over me for I have started to feel more alive and I see things in a new light. For now I shall not mention how I am seeing things, for I never knew I was like this myself...

In detention today I had to sit for two hours straight next to Harry Potter. I seemed quite fidgety and kept sneaking glances at me. I chose to act indifferent even though I was wondering what could possibly be going on underneath that mop of black hair. I think that boy really does need a haircut, or maybe a mirror even. Does he bother looking at himself in the morning?

I have been trying to go outside in the sunniest hours of the day, but am getting no tanner. I remain the hideous pale white I have been since birth.

Something is going to happen tomorrow, I just feel it. Mother has once again sent me a letter, except this time I could barely read her scrawl. She has told me to watch out, which Is what I have been doing and have noticed nothing amiss.

All day I have been getting cold stares from my house mates, and I know not why. Perhaps there is some rumor going around about me once again. Doesn't anyone understand? I may have caused them to loath me more when I helped Granger pick up her books today. I know how much my house despises mudbloods. I purposefully have been overly helpful all day, I must admit I haven’t been approached by anyone yet with a proposed beating, but I may be soon.

-DM		  
     

(i have 1 new soul to enslave love me)
 
 
silverevil46
 
 
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